Recollection
by blue252
Summary: She remembers everything about that day. She remembers because she can't forget. Twoshot. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**AN**: Sometimes words just start playing in my mind. That happened today and this was the result. Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you think since it's kind of different from what I usually write. Also, I'm thinking about continuing it if anyone is interested, so let me know!

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**Recollection**

She remembers everything about that day.

She remembers waking up early. An annoying habit she'd developed over the last semester due to 8:00 AM classes across campus. She remembers happily realizing she was still on break from school and didn't have to get out of bed right away. Remembers feeling the slight chill through the apartment, deliciously cozy, as she sank down into the pillows and buried her nose back under the covers for five more minutes.

She remembers the scent of coffee, warm and fragrant, floating down the hallway as her parents had breakfast together at the kitchen table. Can still envision the scene that she'd witnessed thousands of other mornings before she ever moved across the country for college. Her father in his glasses, reading the paper, as he sipped from his mug. Her mother wrapping her arms around him, planting a kiss on his cheek before leaving early for work.

She remembers picturing that scene in her mind while she sat eating her bowl of cereal an hour later. The smile that spread across her face as she caught the aroma of her mother's perfume still just barely lingering in the kitchen. A fragrance that even to this day carries her back to the feeling of being enveloped her mother's arms, on the occasion that she passes by another woman wearing the same brand. Someone else's mother or daughter. Perhaps both. She always wonders.

She remembers walking through her parents' study to pick up a book. Finally free from homework and finals to read whatever she wanted. Remembers skimming over titles on the bookshelf, tracing her fingertips along their spines until she found what she was looking for.

She remembers the book she chose to read that day. Tolstoy. She felt so sophisticated then. So confident in her choice to study pre-law and literature. She remembers how she always made fun of her mom for reading Patterson and Castle. How she scoffed at the murder mysteries because she thought Russian lit would make her far more cultured. She dreamed of studying abroad, discovering the pages alive and in person.

She remembers going for a run in the park that afternoon. Enjoying the cold burn in her lungs as she slowed to a jog and checked her watch to make sure she had enough time to shower before dinner with her parents.

She remembers laughing on the phone with a friend from school, as she got ready. Remembers making plans for the following week when they were supposed to head back to Stanford. Talking about their classes and boys and parties.

She remembers putting on her makeup, carefree and unhurried. Remembers hearing the sound of her father's footsteps down the hall as she finished the last stroke of mascara across her eyelashes.

Remembers their wait at the restaurant, her father teasing her about the boy in her photo album from school and asking about classes. Remembers talking about the cases she'd read in Intro to Business Law and the proud look in her dad's eyes. The way his eyes shone whenever she became animated about her interests.

She remembers feeling just on the brink of everything. Ready to dive in and discover what the world held for her. The feeling that she was finally growing up, making her own choices but there was always that safety net of home to fall back upon. She remembers what it was like to be full of such hope and love and life.

But most of all she remembers the moment it all slipped away. The moment when it all lost meaning. When everything fell apart, leaving her empty and broken.

They hadn't even suspected. Hadn't even worried. Hadn't even said goodbye.

Stabbed four times, he'd said. Random gang violence. And she was just _gone._

She remembers the look on the detective's face as he explained. The mixture of sympathy and silent apology in his eyes that she couldn't really understand at the time.

She remembers tasting the salt in her tears, a steady stream down her cheeks as they lowered her mother's casket into the ground. Remembers the crushing grip of her father's hand over hers. Remembers feeling as though she'd died in that moment, right alongside her mom. How badly she wished she could sink into the night and never come up for air again.

She remembers their trip to Coney Island. How she struggled to find light in the darkness. The possibility of joy in those days seemed so impossible. How father and her tried to fight the overwhelming sadness.

She remembers when the tears stopped. How she felt nothing for so long. Just a lost and broken shell of everything she'd been before. It'd have been easier if she could cry. She'd longed for a release that refused to come. There were no tears, no feelings. There was only a hollow weight in her chest that suffocated her more and more each day.

She remembers making the decision to move home. Her dreams had been crushed under the heaviness of her grief and of her responsibility to her father. There would be no first female chief justice in her future. Her heart wasn't in it anymore. Sometimes she wondered if it would ever be in anything again.

She remembers those nights she'd lie awake at home, as her father drowned himself in a bottle of Jack in their living room. Remembers struggling to get him out of his chair after he'd pass out. Practically having to carry him down the hall to the bed, forever cold on the side where her mother used to sleep.

She remembers exactly when the tears came back. Remembers sitting on the floor of her shower shaking from sobs, as the water turned from a hot sting to an icy bite at her skin. Remembers pulling herself up from the cold porcelain, shutting off the water, and steeling her features again to face another day.

She remembers that the pain never really subsided as time passed. Instead, she learned to perfect the mask she wore. Learned to compartmentalize the grief. Remembers building the wall around her heart, sturdy and incapable of being scaled. Remembers making a silent promise to herself that she'd never let anyone close enough to suffer another devastating loss.

She remembers what it was like to love. But in her memories it became inseparable from a pain too unbearable to face again. Not when she still faced it every day.

She remembers graduating college in New York. Remembers smiling over the ache inside at her mother's absence from the ceremony. She remembers realizing that day, even amidst her success, that every happy moment, every prospect of joy was now laced with the knowledge that she'd never again be able to share those moments with her mom.

She remembers the day she first laced her mother's ring on the chain and placed it around her neck. The day she decided to wear it for the life she'd lost.

It was the day she first walked through the doors of the New York Police Department.

"I'd like to apply to be an officer," she'd said, voice heavy with determination.

She'll always remember the day she allowed herself to find a small sliver of hope. The day she began her fight for justice.

She remembers because she can't forget.

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_Thoughts?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Recollection - Part 2**

She doesn't remember exactly when it happened. When she broke all the rules she'd so carefully promised herself she'd follow.

She can't put a date on it, nor a time, nor a place.

She doesn't limit it nor define it by a singular moment.

She doesn't remember precisely when everything shifted, everything changed, when she began living again.

She doesn't remember waking up suddenly one morning, with some great revelation of what was happening. She doesn't remember acknowledging it much at all until it was right in front of her face. She doesn't remember realizing _what_ it was until she was in far too deep, until the idea of losing him actually hurt.

She doesn't remember because it's so much more than that. It's so much more than one moment, one place, one time. It's the culmination of a thousand memories. It's the combination of a thousand tiny pieces that fell into place over the years. And that's how it plays back in her mind.

She remembers the smug look on his face when she'd brought him in for questioning. The way his eyes raked over her body as she held up her badge and identified herself, pen poised in his hand, ready to mark her, claim her as just another enchanted groupie. Not so far from reality, although she'd never have admitted that to him. Never in a million years would she have conceded the fact that she could feel the spark between them even then.

She remembers the moment he painted such a clear picture of her past. The way his words shook her to her core, brought tears to her eyes, knocked her down with the weight of their accuracy. She remembers hating him in that moment, hating herself more for allowing him read her after she'd worked so hard to barricade that part of her life. The urge to run so strong she'd felt her hand grip the table until it turned white from keeping her steady.

She remembers the first moment she chose to give him a piece of herself. Remembers filling in the blanks to the rest of her story. The first time in years she'd given anything away that truly mattered. At the time, she couldn't really place why she'd done it. Why she'd let him inch closer. But she remembers clearly that night, even amidst the pain of reliving her past, of explaining the life she'd saved and the life she'd lost, he'd somehow made her laugh. He'd been making her laugh more and more. And remembering, she suspects that had something to do with it. The way he could make even a goodbye more hopeful. She remembers thinking it wasn't possible for her then, but she found herself wishing it were.

She remembers the morning he first brought her coffee. She remembers the way he rattled off her order perfectly, so proud and sure of himself. She remembers feeling a mixture of surprise and annoyance that he already had her preferences pegged, much like he'd pegged her story from the very beginning. It burned at her, frustrated her that after all the years spent building up her defenses, he'd rattled her from the very beginning.

But she also remembers the slightest hint of warmth that stirred in her veins at his attention to detail, remembers briefly wondering why he cared enough to memorize this small thing about her. Why was he doing these things, following her, bringing her caffeine and breakfast when he could have been slinking home from a late night hookup? Wasn't that what _he_ was all about? She remembers wondering why she was _wondering_ such things. But mostly she remembers holding back a groan of delight as she pressed the cup to her lips, tasted the crisp sweetness of the vanilla flavoring swirled into the rich tones of the coffee. She remembers her fight not to give in to that warmth.

She remembers how much he pushed. How he continued pushing even when she pushed back. She remembers the panic that seized her and the betrayal she felt when started investigating her mother's case. Remembers the anger and the fear and how she tried to push him out for good because it was all just too much. Too close and too painful. Too _dangerous_ for her to return to that darkness.

She remembers how he clawed his way back in. Remembers the way he apologized, the look his eyes that told her just how deeply sorry he was. And despite being hurt and scared and angry, she found herself wanting to forgive him. And that, in itself, worried her.

She doesn't remember exactly how but she knows things started to change after that. She remembers the subtle way that banter became laced with subtext. How the many things they _weren't_ saying often spoke louder than the things they were.

She remembers the way her breath caught in her throat when she first read the dedication of _Heat Wave_. The way it made her heart beat faster, infused her with a glow of something she couldn't quite place. She remembers wishing that moment had gone differently. Remembers feeling that they were right on the verge of _something_ before their words got muddled and turned spiteful. Remembers wishing that he'd choose Nikki over Bond but being too stubborn and closed off to admit how much she'd miss him. She'd have missed him _a lot._

She remembers the blood of her mother's killer staining her hands as she sat crumpled on the floor of the precinct. Remembers the agony of realizing that she'd lost another lead, another answer in a line of endless questions surrounding the case she'd made her life's focus. But she also remembers Castle's arms around her, holding her up, keeping her from drowning in that moment, the way he'd dropped a hundred grand as if it was nothing if it meant it could help her. Somehow he was always helping her. She remembers not thinking twice about the choice of his life over those potential answers. She remembers realizing she'd make the same decision again and again.

She remembers the moment she chose him over Demming. The moment she acknowledged they had something more. More than the books, more than solving crimes together. She so clearly remembers the speech she'd prepared in her mind, rehearsed time and time again before ever getting up the nerve to speak. Remembers fighting past every defense she'd built up, struggling over her instinct to stick with the safe relationship. And she remembers just how quickly Castle broke her heart. Just how quick he was to walk away, choose someone else, leave for the summer. She remembers how easily the words were left unsaid, dying on her tongue before she could finish.

She remembers closing off her heart again, sinking back behind that wall. Remembers how stupid she felt for ever believing it'd be worth it. For thinking she wouldn't get hurt. She remembers slipping back into the easy relationship. The kind she never had to go all in to.

She remembers how long it took to trust him again. How hard he worked to chip away at the bricks, crawl through the cracks in her armor. She doesn't even always understand how he did it. But she remembers the moments when she realized he had burrowed his way back into her heart again. The moment when she could have lost him to Jerry Tyson. The realization that she needed to touch him, to have that connection just as much as he needed it that night, sitting on the bench outside the hotel.

She remembers the sharp twinge of jealousy she felt when she saw him with Natalie Rhodes. The insecurity that plagued her mind at the thought of being replaceable. The complete relief she felt when he assured her otherwise.

She remembers the guilt she felt throughout her relationship with Josh. The way she tried for so long to push it aside, to pretend that she wasn't in love with someone else. To pretend that she wasn't picturing Castle's hands trailing up and down her body, Castle's mouth against her neck, Castle's words whispered in her ear.

She remembers the ecstasy of finally, _finally_ feeling his lips against hers. The taste of his tongue, the moan she couldn't stop from escaping. She'd memorized every second of that night. Replayed it countless times in her mind, wondered if it was as real to him as it was to her, even thought she was frightened by that thought.

She remembers sitting on the couch with him in Los Angeles. The way his words filled the small space between them, wrapped their way around her heart, left her aching inside with need. With the desire to quit fighting this thing between them.

She remembers his arms around her as he carried her away from Roy. The way he held her solid, strong, cradled her as she broke down, brushed the hair from her face. She remembers clinging to him, her only lifeline, all the regret from their fight the day before. All the angry words she wished she could take back, replace with what she truly felt for him.

She remembers dying in the grass. Feeling the life drain from her body and drowning in his eyes, the color capturing her, how it perfectly matched the sky above. She remembers how badly she wanted to tell him that it was him she saw, only him, when he pled with her to stay. When he gave her his love, stroked his hands over her face.

She remembers running. Remembers how strongly she believed it was the only way she could heal. Remembers the terror of facing him, facing his words, facing the fact that she'd never be more than this broken version of herself, only half of who she could have been if only things were different. _If only._

She remembers how grateful she was for his forgiveness. For him still being there even though she didn't deserve it. Remembers the weight of secrets, the longest months of her life when she'd made up her mind what she wanted yet, couldn't quite get there. Remembers all the therapy sessions, all the tears she cried, all the bitterness, self-loathing, the struggle to become more than who she'd been. To choose life over drowning in the darkness of her mother's case.

She remembers all the times they'd saved each other. All the desperate, terrifying moments spent chasing down suspects, fighting for their lives, fearing they would lose each other. Freezers and tigers and bombs and countless enemies. Somehow knowing that no matter at least they were together.

She remembers the weeks when she thought she'd truly lost him. The way his words cut through her like knives. The lunch dates with blonde bimbos, the way he'd walked away again, chosen a different partner, told her there'd only be one more case. She remembers crying on the floor of her apartment in her black gown, wishing he was the one she'd danced with instead of Colin Hunt. Wishing she was the one he'd look at again with love in his eyes.

She remembers her biggest mistake. Remembers watching him walk away when they'd finally come clean, when they finally were on the same page. Remembers the tears that pooled in his eyes as he told her loved her again. Remembers her single-minded drive toward Cole Maddox that nearly killed her. She remembers calling Castle's name, praying he'd save her, praying for another chance. And she still can't bring herself to regret it completely. Because it's what finally opened her eyes.

Most of all she remembers the moment she made the choice to live again. To choose life over the case, to choose Castle over the insecurities, the darkness she'd trapped herself in for far too long.

She remembers so many things. Holds onto so many memories of their life together. The way he saved her from herself. How being held in his arms was the first time she'd felt _home_ since her mom died.

She remembers realizing how strange it was that a tragedy could happen in a moment, freeze a hundred details of that one day, that one time in her mind. How she could nearly pinpoint every thought she had on January 9, 1999. But love…love was indefinable, couldn't be restricted to simply one moment. It was a collaboration of moments encompassing how she felt, how they fit together, had made it past all the obstacles. And through those moments, she'd chosen to live again, to open herself to a world of possibilities she'd once given up. Had quit believing in. She couldn't quite describe or remember exactly how he'd given her that magic again. The beauty she'd refused to allow herself to feel for so long. But he had.

So she remembers because it's too easy to forget that life doesn't have to be defined by a single event or moment in time. She remembers because it's the culmination of a lifetime of memories that brings the possibility of joy even on the worst of days.

End.

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_So it took a while but I always had a second chapter idea in mind for this piece. I hope you like it and please let me know what you think because it's definitely different from my other stuff. xo, Holly_


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